What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
