I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
