They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize