I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
