I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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