Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
