she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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