O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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