went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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