between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
