she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
