no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
