Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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