she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize