I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize