I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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