The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
