No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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