Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he shaved USA in his pubs
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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