so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
