He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
