So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
