i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
