How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
