Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
