i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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