Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
