I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
