I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the condom got lost in my hair
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
