i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
