At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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