you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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