Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
