My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
