Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize