I just threw up on my dentist
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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