so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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