here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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