I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
