all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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