I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
