wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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