My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
