when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
