seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
