my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
