At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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