I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
