You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
