hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
