I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
