HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
