so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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