I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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