I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
