College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
