dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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